We have about 30 minutes till meltdown.
And, uh, it’s gonna blow us into tiny pieces to the surface.
Am I a Kristen Stewart fan? On the contrary. To be honest, I seriously dislike this actress. Not that her acting is so terribly bad. And in a way, she’s not a bad looking young woman either. But her attitude and facial expression don’t really make her amiable. In the past I’ve already mentioned that her phlegmatic character equals that of a pancake and it seems as if her face was drenched in starch, because of her emotionless look. “Personal Shopper” and “Equals” were suitable films for this “always-seriously-looking” actress. Unfortunately, “Personal Shopper” was terribly boring and sleep-inducing. So, what convinced me to watch the movie “Underwater“? No idea. Maybe because I heard this spectacle film was kind of a mixture of “Alien” and “The Abyss”. In retrospect, this fact was also rather disappointing.
It’s an ordinary dish.
You can compare “Underwater” with a classic dish served in an average brasserie. It smells good and tastes delicious, but it lacks the finesse of a star restaurant. You don’t get excited. And you don’t look disappointed at your empty plate, hoping that a waiter comes over and asks if you want an extra portion. The only feeling left is that of recognizability. Haven’t we seen this before? And didn’t it taste the same as the last time?
Is it an earthquake? Nope.
I have to admit the film continues at a blistering pace. Before you realize it, the entire underwater drilling platform collapses and Norah (Kristen Stewart) must hurry through destroyed corridors and debris-filled compartments. A claustrophobic spectacle that takes place seven miles deep at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, the deepest known spot in the ocean. At first glance, it appears to be an undersea earthquake that causes Norah and some survivors to figure out an escape scenario very quickly. But when they step along the ocean floor, in heavy, futuristic-looking wetsuits (“Pacific Rim” inspired gear), it soon becomes clear that it’s something else that’s attacking them. Once again, it’s humanity that pushed the boundaries. Like the speleologists in “The Silence“, the drilling company most likely is the cause of unearthly creatures surfacing. In short, they have tapped into the wrong source while drilling for raw materials.
Lot’s of action.
I myself had that feeling of breathlessness while watching “Underwater”. When you realize that this crew is surrounded by millions of tons of ocean water that presses on them with crushing force, you wouldn’t want to trade places with them for any money in the world. A stumbling walk through pitch-black darkness, knowing that you could run out of oxygen anytime, your pressure suit could implode due to a construction fault or a strange underwater monster sucking the life out of you in a fraction of a second. I’d hyperventilate and show panicky behavior for less. “Underwater” is a suitable film for viewers who prefer to watch a movie that is packed with persistent action scenes. So preferably, no character development or a sophisticated storyline that’s being built up in a subtle way. In short, for fans of fast food chains and fast microwave meals (Indeed, I am quite culinary-inspired today).
Lack of tension.
Although you can admire a multitude of fantastic underwater footage (and making underwater images is no easy task), the fact it all takes place underwater (hence the film-title) is a disadvantage to the film. The images aren’t really clear and most of the time blurred and hazy. Especially during the vigorous moments when the sea monsters play an important role. Thus, the moments when the crew experienced a life-threatening situation, the footage didn’t have the desired impact most of the time. And that was the biggest turnoff for me. The lack of any tension. It’s not a completely boring film, but there wasn’t really nail-biting suspense. No astonishing plot twists or surprises. In addition, none of the actors really stood out. They were all uninteresting, two-dimensional characters, to say the least. I can’t really call “Underwater” impressive. Even Kirsten Stewart’s ultra-short bleached haircut didn’t have the desired shock effect. And to be honest, it didn’t help that she walked around half of the movie in her underwear. If they had chosen Scarlett Johansson instead, it would have made an impression. In that case, the three-dimensional aspect of the character Norah would come across much better! Significantly better!
My rating 6/10
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard | Review
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is everything you’d want from a big summer blockbuster action-comedy. There’s plenty of gunfights and car chases and Samuel L. Jackson’s dropping f-bombs like there’s no tomorrow. Whilst the plot is a bit ridiculous, and it moves at such a fast pace that you’ve probably got whiplash by the end of it The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is a really entertaining and fun film. It’s the sort of thing you can watch and switch your brain off for a few hours and just enjoy.
When The Hitman’s Bodyguard was first released in 2017, I don’t think there was anyone desperately calling out saying they needed a sequel but in all honestly, the follow-up is better than the first film. Everything‘s bigger this time around- including the title which is now a real mouthful! The stakes have heightened, the action scenes are bigger, and the cast has increased too with Antonio Banderas and Morgan Freeman joining Salma Hayek, Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds this time around.
Ryan Reynolds’ Michael Bryce has been stripped of his bodyguarding licence and has been roped into helping hitman Darius Kincaid (Sam Jackson) by his wife Sonia (Salma Hayek) and all of a sudden, they’re the only ones that can stop the whole of Europe from being destroyed. If you’re going to see this film, the chances are that you’re not going to see it for the plot and that’s completely understandable. Antonio Banderas plays a man called Aristotle Papadopoulos and if you can’t guess from the name alone, he’s the utterly ridiculous, over-the-top evil mastermind. But much like everything else in this film which is incredibly OTT, we don’t necessarily care much about his plan and the stakes don’t really feel very real, but it all still unfolds in a really entertaining way.
The film is quite generic, with Ryan Reynolds playing his usual wise-cracking self and Samuel L. Jackson probably swearing more times than there are minutes in the film but the reason why it all works and you can forgive its misgivings is because it’s funny and it’s entertaining. Granted there were no stand-out jokes or lines that will still have you laughing in the car on the way home, and overall the film is generic and somewhat forgettable, but being sat there in the cinema in the moment, you can’t help but have an absolute blast of a time.
The fim’s pretty relentless in its pacing as it picks you up right at the start and doesn’t let go until the very end. It moves so quickly from one action scene to another as we journey around Italy waiting to see in which city the next destructive shootout will take place in. It’s quite shocking that the film’s only 100 minutes long because by the end, it certainly feels like a lot more has happened because of how quickly the film moves.
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard won’t win any Oscars- unless they introduce a new one for most swearing- and it doesn’t break new ground for action comedies but it’s great fun. It’s full of laughs, swearing, explosions and just about everything you’d want from a summer blockbuster. It’s better than the first film and I really hope we see these characters again soon because it’s a really solid formular for a great time.
The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is in cinemas now.
Infinite | A Michael Bay Imitation Film
Infinite Desperately Wants to Impress With its Style, But Has No Substance.
Paramount wanted to get ahead in the streaming game with Paramount+ but made the novice mistake of selling most of their titles, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, to other streaming services such as Amazon Prime Video and Netflix instead of…I don’t know…growing their own. With barely any content left and keeping their big tentpole releases such as A Quiet Place: Part II and Top Gun: Maverick in cinemas, Paramount is finally saying “Ahhhhhh! I get it!” after every other major streaming service, especially Disney+ and HBO Max, used the pandemic as a pretext to grow their subscriber base. However, having sold most of its upcoming films to other streaming services, the studio only seems to have duds in the hopes of growing its subscriber base. Enter Antoine Fuqua’s latest film, Infinite, which strangely never feels like something the director of such visceral action pictures like Training Day, Bait, Tears of the Sun, Shooter, Brooklyn’s Finest, and The Equalizer, but Fuqua desperately wanting to emulate Michael Bay’s signature style.
There’s only one problem, however: even if you want to do Bayhem, and you intend to replicate it as accurately as you can, there’s a sole filmmaker that can do it right—and that’s Bay himself. But it doesn’t matter for Fuqua; he starts his overtly aestheticized action amazingly quickly, with an upbeat car chase staged to the rhythms of Campfire’s Legends Never Die, with Heinrich Treadway (Dylan O’Brien) being pursued by Bathurst (Rupert Friend), who looks for a thingamajig aptly named “The Egg” (because it’s shaped like an egg, of course!), which has the power of destroying…the entire world (how original!). Treadway dies without giving away The Egg’s location. Suddenly, a man named Evan McCauley (Mark Wahlberg) wakes up from his Treadway nightmare. We progressively learn that McCauley has schizophrenia who constantly remembers things from past lives he seemed to have never experienced before. He is what the “Believers” call “Infinites,” whose souls constantly get reincarnated inside a different body. He is quickly apprehended by Bathurst (now played by Chiwetel Ejiofor) after using a hand-crafted sword in a drug deal gone bad. His “life” changes drastically once Evan learns that he possesses Treadway’s soul and must reawaken his memory to quickly find The Egg before Bathurst does and destroys the entire world.
Let’s be honest: movies that center on thingamajigs (or MacGuffins as academics would call them) are amazingly tiresome and can only go so far before it veers off in predictable territory. Thankfully, Fuqua’s emulation of Bayhem makes many of its central action setpieces move at a somewhat entertaining pace. The car chase at the beginning involving Dylan O’Brien’s Treadway is filled with Bay’s rapid editing and an over-reliance on a moving camera that always, and I mean, always acts like a paintbrush to produce a copious, almost gratuitous amount of flashy style. And by flashy style, I mean excessive use of slow-motion, flares, and explosions or low-angles during 1-on-1 fight sequences. The explosions in this film are particularly reminiscent of Bay’s pictures, though not as big in scale, but produce the same cathartic effect. One scene in which Evan and Nora (Sophie Cookson) try to run away from Bathurst’s robotic henchmen inside a buggy has a precise explosion that, in its staging of using slow-motion at a pinpoint moment, feels as if it’s been directed by Bay. I mean, heck, if the end credits said “Directed by Michael Bay” instead of Antoine Fuqua, I’d believe it.
By doing this, Fuqua prevents the film from being a total dud than it is, since the script is filled with so many ineptitudes on:
- The world of the Infinites. The difference between the “believers” and “nihilists” is barely explained in two throwaway lines that almost feel unimportant. I can only explain the nihilists, who want all life to cease existing so they can stop reincarnating themselves, which adds a weird ineptitude on:
- Bathurst’s motivations. He wants to stop reincarnating himself and has developed a bullet that prevents believers from doing so. Ok, so if you’ve developed a bullet that grants your sole motivation…why not shoot yourself with it instead of bringing the entire world down with you? I’m sorry, but we never know the why behind Bathurst’s plan to destroy the world, aside from the overly used “humans are stupid, so I guess I need to bring them down with me” line, after torturing Toby Jones’ character by shoving…*checks notes*…honey down his mouth…interesting.
These two main problems falter its extremely stylized action for a sci-fi picture that’s as smart as Mark Wahlberg’s previous tenure in that genre…with Michael Bay in Transformers: Age of Extinction and The Last Knight. Hell, here’s another thing: if you would’ve told me that this is set in the world of Transformers that Wahlberg reprised his role as Cade Yeager through a new alter-ego, who now has the memories of somebody else (through unbeknownst reasons), then guess what? I would’ve believed it too. Wahlberg’s performance is no different than his exploration of the Transformers universe: half-charm, half-cluelessness, which equates to accepting every preposterous explanation on “Infinites” as “fact” and tagging along with people he’s never seen before and pretend everything’ll be fine, even if he is now tasked to save the entire world, in the same sense he had to do it (twice!) with the Autobots.
His character progression starts by being the only character that asks questions to the Infinites, who will then explain the film’s facile and underdeveloped plot in hackneyed detail, until he becomes the hero we deserve, but didn’t know we needed, as he uses a sword à la Morpheus from The Matrix Reloaded to bring down an entire plane and fight with Bathurst in the air, without any parachute, in the craziest, most bewildering action scene I’ve seen that defies all sense of logic and paints their characters as God-like mythic figures since The Fast and the Furious franchise said “no more logic” when Dom Toretto destroyed a parking lot with his feet.
Speaking of Bathurst, Chiwetel Ejiofor, a usual powerhouse, is completely miscast here and delivers his worst performance to date with an indescribable accent that makes everything about his antagonistic presence feel terribly cartoonish and over-the-top. He’ll refine his antagonist chops, most likely in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. I truly hope he’ll return to a more natural state of acting as he did as Mordo in Scott Derrickson’s 2016 film (or even when he compellingly portrayed Scar in the 2019 remake of The Lion King), instead of doing whatever the hell he’s doing here. I can barely explain, or comprehend, if you will, what Ejiofor even attempted to do in Infinite to render his antagonist menacing…but it clearly didn’t work and made every scene he’s in feel unintentionally hilarious. Look at the scene in which he tortures Toby Jones with honey and how he tries to make his awfully written lines serious and menacing and yet does the exact opposite. It’s quite a feat to see, but it needs to be forgotten sooner rather than later.
This is probably why Paramount dropped Infinite on a streaming service no one is subscribed to, so it can be easily forgotten and buried inside an ever-growing algorithm that “curates” films on content rather than quality. While Infinite contains a hefty number of fun action sequences that imitate Michael Bay’s unmatched style, it, unfortunately, does not overshadow its terribly facile and underdeveloped plot and caricatural lead performances from Mark Wahlberg and Chiwetel Ejiofor. If you’re a fan of Antoine Fuqua, you won’t watch this and go through his previous films instead, which would be for the better. Let’s hope his remake of The Guilty, set to release later this year on Netflix, will be better than Infinite (spoiler: it likely will).
Infinite is now available to stream on Paramount+.
Netflix | Masters of the Universe: Revelation – Official Trailer
Animated reboot of the classic Masters of the Universe franchise focusing on unresolved stories of the iconic characters, picking up where they left off decades ago.
Animation, Action, Adventure
Mark Hamill, Chris Wood, Diedrich Bader, Kevin Conroy, Liam Cunningham, Susan Eisenberg, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lena Headey, Griffin Newman, Kevin Michael Richardson, Alicia Silverstone, Harley Quinn Smith
Animated reboot of the classic Masters of the Universe franchise focusing on unresolved stories of the iconic characters, picking up where they left off decades ago.
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